"...While crying empty tears"

Okay, this poem of mine is a bit old (I wrote it a few weeks ago, at least) but I think it applies to how I've been feeling lately. Sure, I've been all upbeat and laugh-y on the outside, but I'm absolutely torn up on the inside. Below 'Empty Tears' is lyrics to a song that fits me I think, among the ones I've found that do (no hard guess on where the song came from). Plus some memegens, by a friend. So, enjoy.


Empty Tears
Some nights I wonder why
I look up at the stars
Holes punched in the midnight sky
Clouds of cotton wispy across
I see this great expanse
And wonder why I was put here to look at it

So many people come to me
They say 'I'm feeling sad.
Can you help? Can you heal?'
I never say 'No' to them but perhaps
That's my fault more than theirs

But these people, maybe
Maybe they don't think that I'm as frail
And fragile as they
I have depressions, darkness
Sometimes deeper than their own
Sometimes lighter than what they have

Each time another spills on me
I take their hurt, and it becomes mine
Becomes mine to tend to, to bed with
To look at and argue with
It becomes me, and I become it
That is how I heal, I take
But it comes at a great cost
I grow darker with each one
That tells their shadows to me

And so I wonder why I am so nice
I wonder why these people think I can help
I look at their tears, and cry my own
Can't they see I'm actually helpless?
I'm not a master of words
I'm not a wizard of the heart
And yet I welcome them with open arms
I say 'Come my friends.
I will help you.'

Maybe I'm just a fool
Letting them trust me when I
When I can't even trust myself
But then there are times when I feel
No one notices me
No one sees me
No one hears me at all

No one sees my thrashes of anger
Of frustration
At shadows I have that I can do nothing about
Mine or another's

No one sees me reach for them
Try to join with their light
Only to fall back to my demons
And cry

In fact, I know I'm a fool
People say I'm special
Someone new
Someone good
And I believe them, deep inside
And yet I don't want to, somehow
Everytime someone says I'm one-of-a-kind
I shake my head and look away
Wanting to say yes
But preferring to stay hidden and say no
Listen to me
I want to be seen and yet not
All at once
A paradox

I struggle with who I was
Who I am
Who I could be
What I do, did, could do
I'm too old for this
And yet too young
It's all too confusing

I beseech the stars
Would someone miss me if I were gone?
Weren't here to battle their shadows
Save them from their nightmares
While living my own?
If I jumped up to join you, stars
Would someone knew I once stood here?

I know the answer is yes
Someone would notice I was gone
But the answer is not comforting
When I know it's only 3
Or 4
But not even touching 10
I never was one for friends
Maybe that's all I need
Someone to share the shadows with me
Be the hearty and the heartless that I am
Someone who can bleed with me

The stars give no answers
Perhaps they have none to give
So I struggle, I ache
I scream, and I writhe
All the while dealing with it all
And crying empty tears

**

It was the first new century
In one hundred years
And when I felt like I should cry
I laughed away my tears

The end of a millennium
We waited a long, long time
To see the brave new world
And the mountains we would climb

The things I tried to comprehend
As a child remain a mystery
There's nothing I need to defend
There's nothing great about me

All I will ever believe
Is the pounding of my heart, though
It doesn't answer question
That's just the way it goes

All I will ever have faith in
Is the beating in my chest
It won't predict tomorrow
Or give me eternal rest


Wow, how true are the last two verses for me. Sometimes, that's all I feel like I can trust, or count on. And the fact that each burning tear, and each searing drop of blood that comes from me tells me I'm still alive, when there've been many times that I've doubted even that...


**

Kiss and Tell... by Toxik_Kiss
Name and/or username
favourite colour:
You love is your:	Boyfriend/Girlfriend
The type of kiss (s)he gives you:	Wet and slurpy
How you react:	You lick your lips for more
The type of kiss you give him/her:	Lip licking
Quiz created with MemeGen!

You are a killer... by Toxik_Kiss
Name/Username:
Type of killer:	Shadowy and mysterious
Weapon of choice:	Noose
Blood spilt per kill:: 70%
Quiz created with MemeGen!

Your vampire style by Toxik_Kiss
Name/Username:
Favourite Color:
Type of Vampire:	Blood thirsty
Favorite type of blood:	The blood of a hot shot teen
Your first victim:	A lovesick person
Your living quarters:	Castle
Percentage of blood drank each night:: 79%
Quiz created with MemeGen!

Which Inu-Yasha Character is your master?(girls) by Toxik_Kiss
Your name/username
Favourite color
How he becomes your master:	you know you wanted him hehe
How your love is with your master:	Like a french kiss...:)
Who the master is:	Naraku
Quiz created with MemeGen!

Can you hear the cry of the Planet?

Wow, I had a really, REALLY weird dream last night o_O Okay, let me try to describe it to the best of my ability...



It took place in a wierd, narrow, TALL office building (for those who've seen Case Closed's episode "The Kidnapped Debutante", it's like that one), and it was in the same place my middle school was (meaning, the building was there but the school was not), and with the wide parking lots from Durham Regional Hospital. I was a member of the staff there, along with some guy called "Professor", a bunch of kids that I remembered from high school, and half the cast of 'Ed, Edd, 'n Eddy'. Professor ran the whole place.

It was a rainy, stormy night in the building, and I THINK Professor wouldn't let us go home, or were overworking us, or something. I don't remember that part clearly. But I do remember that Double D (from EEnE, I told you they were in it) vanished, with only a note telling people to get to the top level. Problem was, he'd blocked off the convenient ways to get there--the elevators were down, and stairs were blocked off and behind locked doors. Well, everybody BUT me was figuring out how to get up there. Professor saw me and asked where everyone us. I told him upstairs, and he laughed, saying we would never be able to revolt (with no previous mention of that in the dream). I turned around and saw a nearby vent cover, moved it aside, and used the AC system to get up to the top floor.

When I got up there, I found the entire top floor was similar to a cafeteria, just a wiiiide expanse of tables, and every one had people sitting at it. I dropped from the vent near the ceiling, landing on a pair of mattresses that blocked the door to the room. Someone asked me where I'd been--I don't remember who. I ignored them and found the table Double D was sitting at, with some unfamiliar faces. He looked at me as I sat down, and asked me if I wanted to join in on the rebellion. I grinned, and nodded. He got up from the table and walked off, probably to talk to someone else. A person at the table asked me if I thought he, or everyone else, would get arrested. I said no, and scooted over a bit as he came back and sat down again.

Suddenly, sirens pierced the air. Running over to the windows, Double D and I saw cops filling the parkings lots below. I shouted that we had to run. Double D turned and started walking away, and I turned to watch him. I asked him something at this point, but I don't remember what it was--all I remember is that I called him 'Edd' rather than 'Double D' when I asked it. He stopped and gestured for me to follow. We ran through the crowds, over to a table turned up on its side. Hiding as police broke through the barricade, Double D pointed towards a hidden passage in the corner. Nodding, I ran towards it, followed by Edd, and we ran down a secret hallway and hid.

When everything was quiet again, we came back out into the room. It was a mess! Tables were piled up everywhere, food was splattered across the floor, and windows were cracked. Double D sighed, and looked at me, before turning and walking away. I stood there, alone, as lightning crashed outside, and as the power flickered out.



Well, that was the dream. Weird, huh? Also, everyone appeared as sort of a mix between my drawing style and real-life, and sometimes also appearing older. Double D, for example, was around 16 or 17, based on his looks, and looked closer to my style of drawing him than the show's. And, throughout the whole thing, by the way everyone treated me and the words passed between me and him, I got the whole feeling of being 'with' Edd, if you know what I mean. I think I know what the whole dream means, too, except I don't...I don't want to go there. Just know it may be because of my life right now. I just certainly hope I'm wrong, and that this was just a dream...