roll_soul | And I'm staring down the barrel of a .45/Swimming through the ashes of another life...

A writing/art rant by

13066301, and my comment in reply, got me thinking. I really have been working on my current style for twelve years, haven't I? All started on those early years when I was watching Pokemon and Digimon. I'd had a rounder, more childish style for ages beforehand, passing even into Sailor Moon art I was doing. But it was with Pokemon I started doing a more anime style, Digimon that I started refining it. Heck, if you look close enough, you can still see their influences in the way I do profiles, the clothing I choose, how my hands look.

Twelve years. Twelve long years, of anguish and Mary Sues, of fandom changes and fighting with correct perspective, of shading troubles and coloring issues. Three years with the tablet now. About two with Photoshop, using GIMP, openCanvas, and oekaki programs beforehand. Literally countless stacks upon stacks of traditional drawings around here, and that's just from 2006 and up.

And I wonder... where has it gotten me? Once upon a time I wanted to be a professional artist, but that dream has since changed. I know I don't have the drive to get things done on time, my past efforts with commissions have shown me that. I don't like being told what to do (requested? Yes, but told? No) and I'm always too nervous when drawing things I haven't before to actually never attempt. No, my personality, perhaps even my OCD, renders me as a permanent self-artist. To be honest though, I don't mind. Drawing only for myself and my friends means I don't have to perform, something I was never good at. I don't have to put a pretty face on it just to make someone I'll never speak to happy.

I do wonder though, where the people went. Back from about 2005-2007 my art was getting lots of views over at DA, plenty of comments, and faves everywhere. Then it trickled to a near stop. My pictures barely get over 100 views now, and out of about 200 Devwatchers, according to polls I've done only about 30 of them are actually active (not exactly accurate I know, and who knows how many of those watchers are no longer on the site, but still). I don't get comments. I get faves, but I have a sneaking suspicion a lot of them are just drive-bys. And I have to wonder how much of that is from my attitude. Not about the "drawing only for myself" thing, but my non-artist personality. I barely comment myself, and I'm certainly not "out there". I rarely participate on journals and forums, and I just... pull into myself, even in real life. I wonder how much of my lack of receiving activity is through that, or just people in general being less interested, since I hear this same story again and again all over the place. I know it's not just me. But I'm still curious.

You know what though? In the end, yes I'd like to know, but it's not absolutely vital that I do. I'm still going to upload, still going to write, still going to draw. I don't do it for the comments. I don't do it for the faves, or for people passing pictures along, or whatever. I do it to make myself happy, to make my friends happy. Especially my closest friends. If I draw for anyone I draw for them. If I make them smile and laugh with a comic, put some twinge in their heart at a darker picture, make them gasp at the twisted laugh in one of the "crazy people" drawings I apparently do so well (not my words) then I'm happy. Then that picture is the one that succeeded. Who cares what people at large think? I'm happy. My Marauders, and my RP buddies, inspirations all that most of my stuff comes from, are happy. Who cares otherwise?

It's a hard lesson. One I haven't really learned until fairly recently in my dozen years of drawing the way I do. One I don't always remember, one that's hard to remember when something I poured my heart into goes mostly unnoticed. But to paraphrase something someone else said on the entry that started this train of thought, if you move just that one person who looked at your piece, then that's what matters.

That's all that really matters.